I think I won the penis lottery.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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