I don't have enough holes for all these australians
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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