last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I wear drunk well.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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