Only a mothe r could love this liver
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
