My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize