Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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