he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
