I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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