You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
When did angry sex become our thing?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
