I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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