Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
