dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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