Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize