yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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