I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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