i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
