Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
