his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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