my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize