So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
