I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
