Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
