I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
