I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
