Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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