Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
