dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
