I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
