Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
