Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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