god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
