she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
