Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
