so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
