I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
