If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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