Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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