im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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