Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
It was confusing and full of hummus
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
