Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize