If i come over, it means nothing
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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