You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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