you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
