tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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