3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
