Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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