Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
