he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
