did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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