Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
