I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
