"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
