I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
