Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
