Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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