She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize