He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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