I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
