just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
