I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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