Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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