my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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