i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
